Suffering Silence
by XX-Samantha-XX
Summary: BUABS *AU* TAG. 'Once his pain addled brain caught up again there was a distinctive laugh floating cruelly in the air. The laugh was taunting him, it was Sammy's laugh...' First SPN FanFic, T rating to be safe some parts may be M. Warnings for Bad language and torture but none more than the show! Hurt!Angsty!Protective!Dean. Possessed!Guilty!Sam. Awesome!Bobby. I don't own SPN!
1. Chapter 1

_Okay so I really shouldn't be writing this but I'm going to blame Callisto-HK for my first foray into Supernatural because she has me totally obsessed with Dean and Jensen Ackles and hence this Hurt!Dean Story! (I can't believe that i've not watched this until now.)But she is also seriously amazing for looking this over for me when she is soo busy at the moment and kicking me into shape to stop slacking with my fanfiction writing haha!_

_This is a slightly AU slightly longer version of the end of 'BUABS' because I just couldn't not write something to this but has quotes from Asylum and Devils Trap as well because I just like my Hurt!Dean Angsty as well the poor poor thing. And i know it's been done before but i can't resist lol_

_This tag will be in two parts, this being the Hurt part and the next being the comfort/guilty Sam part. Please enjoy and lemme know what you think._

_**Warnings for cussing (mainly from dean) and torture but none more than on the show i think**_

**Suffering Silence.**

He could barely keep his eyes open through the pain lancing through his shoulder, the pressure being exerted there not helping in the slightest; it made him nauseous, but he wasn't going to show it.

Although, maybe keeping his tired eyes pinched shut in pain was better for his sanity. Maybe, if he couldn't see who was doing it then it would be a whole lot easier.

But it wasn't.

Because he'd been here before.

It was like the asylum all over again, _deja vu_.

His brother was the reason for the pain he was currently in. Though his heart was fighting him, shouting that it wasn't Sam doing it.

Not Sammy, not his little brother that he'd practically raised himself.

But it _was_ Sam's face lurking blurrily in his vision, and it was Sam's fist coming towards his face. He saw stars and couldn't help the strangled sob that escaped him.

His pounding brain was struggling to differentiate between knowing it wasn't Sam and Sam causing him pain with his rough ministrations.

He slipped his eyes closed, he was exhausted from the day's events and didn't have the strength to fight back. At least with his eyes closed then he could pretend like it wasn't Sam, he could actually pretend it was some monster or demon.

But behind his eyes, his brothers face and words morphed into that of his father's when he'd been possessed as well.

And maybe his father had been right, maybe they had both been right.

Maybe he did need them more than they needed him, maybe he couldn't save anyone.

And maybe Sam was right now; he was worthless and pathetic.

Maybe, he couldn't save anyone, that he was that weak.

It had been said too many times now for him not to ignore it anymore.

Demons lied sure, but something of the person they had possessed bled through sometimes.

"Dean." The creature in Sam's body drawled at Dean and slapped him in the face. "No sleeping now."

Dean stared at his brother and a small pained grin turning up at the corner of his mouth. "You hit like a girl." His voice was rough and he knew it would only aggravate the demon further but he couldn't help it.

Dean's last thought as the blow to his head from the creature possessing Sam knocked him unconscious, was that Sam couldn't control what he was doing and what he'd been saying, but that the demon was lying because Dean would save Sam.

Because Dean would always save Sam, no matter the cost to himself.

The shock of water being splashed into his face caused a breath to freeze and stutter within his chest, throwing his mind back to the tumble into the lake and trying to drag enough air into his lungs to continue on his quest of saving Sam. Damage to himself be dammed.

"Bitch." The need to say something to try to get through to Sam overtook his self preservation for a moment like it had a few minutes ago; however, he was surprised when nothing was done about his comment but then he had a feeling that the shock of the water caused his body to shut down for a minute or two because he found it a struggle to open his heavy eyelids.

Through his bleary vision he saw 'Sam' kneeling down and for a second he'd forgotten where he was, how he got the hole in his shoulder and that Sam wasn't Sam. Whether it was the shock, pain or fear for his brother he didn't know.

But for the second he didn't remember he could almost believe that this was just a nightmare...

...It all came crashing into him like a train wreck.

Bobby!

"What are you doing!" But Dean's voice didn't hold the power he was going for, it was hoarse from not screaming out in pain, he couldn't do that to Sam. If he remembered this, he didn't want Sam to remember him screaming underneath his harsh ministrations.

'Sam's' head snapped around dangerously at Dean, the glee in his eyes unsettling, Dean briefly remembered something about torture or pulling wings of flies or something..._Great Winchester now you're losing it, how are you gonna help Sam like this!_

Now that Sam was moving towards him, Dean noticed that Bobby was out for the count and tied up like a Hog over a spitfire. _Well, this sucked_ Dean thought briefly huffing out a strained breath, everything was going to hell and if the tides didn't turn soon he really would end up there, and soon if the gleam in 'Sam's' eyes was anything to go by.

Firecrackers of pain lit up within Dean's body as he tried to drag his ass towards Bobby, he barely got a centimetre when a force field blocked any movement...well, anywhere really.

"Now Dean, what did I say." 'Sam's' drawl practically dripped hate, well he knew it was Meg but it had Sam's voice...ahh to hell with it...

His shit-eating grin spread across his face, he knew he shouldn't say anything and just shut the hell up like Sam's had told him many times when they were kids, but he'd been damned if he was going to try anything less than his best to get through to Sam.

"Why don't you enlighten me?"

The brief flash of Sam's annoyance and anger in Sam's eyes gave him hope that it was still possible to rescue Sam from this demonic possession, even with the binding link. Now however, he knew he was going to pay for the comment, and pay he did.

In the blink of an eye, 'Sam' had him in a crushing grip by his throat, severely cutting down on the oxygen supply to his lungs, know he could only survive four or five minutes before getting permanent brain damage or simply be dead; he tried to buck his brother's taller frame away from him. It was useless though, because 'Sam' was simultaneously and roughly pushing down on the bullet wound in his shoulder. White hot agony blanked out his vision of the room, black spots forming as his body struggled with the lack of oxygen.

Lingering on the edge of the abyss that was the darkness trying to claim him, all the pressure on his throat and shoulder was suddenly gone, so fast that he rocketed forward and barely had the time to catch himself from meeting the floor up close and personal. Everything fizzled out for a while, his starved lungs drawing in huge ragged breaths of oxygen, igniting fire in his shoulder as muscles were pulled at each draw of breath, his mind trying to catch up with everything.

Once his pain addled brain caught up again there was a distinctive laugh floating cruelly in the air.

The laugh was taunting him, it was Sammy's laugh, Meg would know what it would do to him. The laugh crept within the barriers of his guarded soul and broke a piece off. For a moment betrayal, fear and pain coursed through his battered body, this was his brother laughing at him. Even though his brain knew his brother was possessed, it still hurt like hell.

Dean didn't notice when the laughing had stopped, didn't see the sharp red hot blade in Sam's hand heading towards him until it was already too late, not that he could have done anything about what happened next, even if he wanted to because the force field was back and he was trapped.

Oddly enough, it was the smell of his own sizzling flesh that alerted him to the pain frying his nerve endings and tracking all the way up from his forearm to his brain; 'Sam'/Meg had rolled his sleeves up and pressed the red hot blade against the sensitive flesh of his right arm.

But still Dean wouldn't scream, even if holding in the pain would kill him. At least Sam wouldn't have to suffer his agonised scream.

His breathing was shot, coming out in short sharp gasps, containing the pain of the knife searing his skin. But he had to release some of it outwards lest it kill him. So, even though he would pay for it he said what was on his mind.

"Go. To. Hell." The words were strained and his teeth were stained with blood but it made him feel a little better.

Until 'Sam'/Meg got closer to his face and screamed "You First!"...Until...

...The bitch held the blade there until it cooled in his seeping blood, the blade staining a dark red. He wanted to scream at her, call her every name under the sun but the pain was leeching away the energy to even breathe, his vision swam, he was sweltering and everything was spinning dizzily; probably from blood loss but he wasn't going to go there right now. In fact all his mind wanted to seem to do was drag him back to oblivion.

However, that was halted when the blade was removed, that was when he realised that she had slide the blade just below the skin and not just merely held it against his arm. Well crap, that was gonna be hard to hide from Sam and easy to get infected seen as the skin had been seared off and was now leaking blood and clear fluid.

_Son of a bitch._

Anger surged up deep within his failing reserves at Meg, he'd had enough of this, had enough of her controlling Sam, he needed to save his brother and who was to say that she wasn't going to start with Bobby next. He needed to stop this right now.

His feelings of anger, agony and hope for saving Sammy led the way for the adrenalin rush that he knew he would need.

With his newly found energy, and noticing that in Meg's glee she had Sam's eyes closed and was laughing evilly at the pain she had caused, this was his chance, he used his pounding head and all the strength he had as a weapon and rammed himself into to 'Sam's' chest, causing them both to collapse to the ground, surprised that it had actually worked and the force field hadn't been there he knew he needed to find his feet again quickly.

The good thing about what he'd done was that 'Sam' was currently breathing and out cold having hit his head on Bobby's table.

The bad thing however, his eyes were darkening and blurry, body wanting to shut down complete for about a week. That and Bobby was still tied up and unconscious and 'Sam' could wake up at any time.

Fighting back the darkness, nausea and pain throughout his whole body, Dean got to his hands and knees, and finding some rope along the way, started tying 'Sam' up so that if he were to wake up he couldn't do anything immediately. He knew it wouldn't stop him for longer than a few minutes but he planned to have Meg exorcised by then so it didn't matter.

After tying 'Sam' up, Dean crawled slowly to Bobby, his body too weak to stand but continuing on nonetheless. At least until his lungs tried to cough themselves up half way there. When his breathing had gotten back to normal, his throat felt raw; just what he needed right now, to get sick. He wiped his hands on his jeans and heading towards Bobby, surprised that the coughing fit hadn't woken either of them up.

However, he didn't see the specs of blood that were wiped from his hands to his jeans, solely focused on his current mission of untying Bobby and save Sammy, current condition be damned.

It took more energy than he wanted to admit to get to Bobby and cut him free.

That was when Bobby woke up.

As soon as he was awake, Bobby was ready for action if a bit slower than normal, he scanned the room and found Dean looking at him concerned, but if he was honest the kid looked worse than he felt.

"You okay, Bobby?" and damn if the kid's voice didn't sound shredded. Nodding briefly he took in the rest of the scene.

"What in the hell happened?" he kind of figured that 'Sam' had gotten the jump on him and heard the rounds 'Sam' had gotten in on Dean, knew about him being shot, but that didn't account for the smell of burnt flesh, the stained knife or the glazed way Dean looked at him.

"So, what we gonna do about the binding link?" Even though Dean had tried to clear his voice it still sounded like hell.

Bobby sighed, Dean always did everything to help Sam first before himself, even though the kid looked barely able to keep his eyes open he would still make sure that Sam was okay. It was just something he was just used to so he would usually determine whether or not he needed to intervene. However, in this case he knew Dean wouldn't think about looking after himself until Meg was exorcised and Sam was okay. He had a plan about that...

"You're going to pay for that." 'Sam's' voice spoke out and started struggling with the rope tying both his hands and feet together.

If you didn't know Dean, you wouldn't have seen the flinch that made Bobby want to know exactly what had happened but in a split second it was gone and Dean had launched himself from his sitting position, towards Sam and had him held down as best as was possible with all the struggling 'Sam' was doing.

"Bobby, if you've got any great ideas, now would be the time!" Dean called out above the shouting Sam/Meg was doing.

Bobby pushed himself into action, placing the fire poker into the fire and removing it when it was red hot, he had no idea if it was going to work but it worked for the Demon trap, if it was broken they could escape.

Rushing over to the boys, he could see Dean's strength was wavering. He grabbed Sam's arm and placed the poker to the binding link, hoping it would work, otherwise he didn't know what else to do.

For one horribly slow moment Bobby thought it hadn't worked, 'Sam' had just broken the bonds around his legs and kicked out at Dean, kicking him towards the wall he had thrown him to earlier, causing Dean to land in a pained heap next to the bookcase but still mostly conscious and watching Sam.

But then 'Sam' screamed and black smoke poured out of his mouth and he landed in a semi-conscious heap himself.

After the fog had lifted from his brain, Sam jumped and looked around confused, his attention drawn over to his brother who grunted and leaned heavily against the bookcase; pale and bleeding.

"Sammy?" Dean knew his voice was shaky, his teeth chatting together, the dip in the water had left him feeling cold right down to his core, even now in the warmth of Bobby's house. He saw Sam frown at him and their surroundings, then he heard his Sammy.

"Did I miss anything?"

And while he did know that is was Sam, he couldn't help his next action, even if it did cause him more pain and depleted the rest of his energy. He punched an unsuspecting Sam in the face and turned back to lie in the position he had previously landed in.

Now that Sam was safe he could let oblivion take him, he was just so tired and his body just hurt so much so he gave in knowing that Bobby would look after Sam for a little bit while he got his energy back.

Briefly before he gave in he thought he heard them both shout his name, but if he was honest he was too hurt to care right now. They could come back later.

And oblivion took him in and wrapped itself warmly around his mind, away from what had happened here, if only for a while.

**TBC**

_So, what did you think? Horrible? Hated it? Lemme know. Next part should be out next weekend !_


	2. Chapter 2

_Well it was going to be two parts but i got to a part and wanted it to be the end of the chapter for my foray into SPN with the Guilty!Sam, awesome!brotherstuff and awesome!Bobby, oh and i Don't own anything unfortunately ...damn it if i did Jensen wouldn't have a permanent sad face in the season i'm watching right now._

_Also massive, huge thanks to Callisto-HK for kicking my butt to get this part written, my ever faithful Beta for SPN and CF, you are truly awesome even with your very busy schedule :)_

**Suffering Silence**

**Part 2**

Dean awoke to silence, no shuffling of feet, not clanking of bottles, no rustling of papers or pages in books being turned.

This kind of silence was unnatural, the kind that infested places where animals feared to tread, the kind that you wouldn't usually walk willingly towards unless you were a Winchester or at least a hunter.

Bleery eyes roamed the room, there was no lights on, nothing to signify that anyone was here and there was something horribly wrong with that.

When the memory of black infected eyes rolled through his brain like a steam train towards a horrific accident; Sam. Panicked, Dean rose to his feet quicker than he should and almost landed right back on his ass; thanks to the tilt-a-whirl trip his pounding head had sent him on.

None of this was right, when he'd been here before he could usually at least hear Bobby moving around the thin walled old house without a second thought.

It was just still, silent and suspiciously supernatural.

When his vision had finally cleared he honestly wished it hadn't, the bile raced up his throat so fast that he didn't even have time to clear his own shoes out of the firing range. He choked on what he hoped were his insides, as he didn't deserve to live if what he saw in front of him was true.

It answered the questions of why it was so silent, it was the silence of death, of not being good enough, of not saving...

And it tore away his bleeding heart, he crawled over towards them, through blood and flesh, having finished coughing up his guts and was faced with the gore, the hopelessness, the cost of being a hunter, of being or even being related to a Winchester; the price was too high.

Bobby's eyes stared right on through him, but there was no light, no life there, just the stillness, like the silence. He'd come to Bobby, he'd brought this down on him, the weight of the guilt was crushing, he'd only been trying to help Sammy, and Bobby had said time and again that he would do anything for them, but this...this price was far too high.

He supposed that this might be some horrid joke, as most people wouldn't recognise the body in front of him as Bobby Singer, not with the way most of his flesh had been ripped off and left for him to crawl through but Dean knew by the eyes and the jagged message in the one patch of skin that was left on his surrogate father's abdomen.

_'Told you so!'_

It was taunting him, letting him know that he was useless and had failed, and left him unable to breathe with the hopelessness crushing him further into despair.

His eyes were blurred by more than the exhaustion and pain running rampant through his body unchecked, turning away from Bobby felt like the worst betrayal in the world but he couldn't look any longer at his failure.

But when he turned around, his heart buckled under the weight of the horror and the world ended, agony rose up his chest and out the only way he knew

He screamed out, a harsh, dry and broken sound, paralysed by the horror in front of him. He screamed again, a name on his bloody, cracked lips.

"SAMMM!"

But it was all lost to the dead and dark silence of this house that had once been their home.

X-SPN-X

"SAMMM!"

Sam jumped at the raw sound of his brothers voice, he didn't think that he'd ever hear his brother sound like that in his life and it honestly scared him.

He wanted to approach his brother to settle him but Bobby had glared, telling him with one look to stay back for now. He could feel his frustrations rise; he hadn't been told much of anything about what had happened since he'd suddenly woken up in bobby's house to a very pale and beaten looking Dean punching him in the face, then collapsing next to him.

It was all kinda fuzzy and not being told anything wasn't helping not at all.

A crashing sound erupted from the room next door and before Sam knew it Dean was grasping both his arms and looking into what felt like his soul, almost searching to see if it really was him or if he was really there, Sam couldn't tell which.

"Sammy?" Dean voice was hoarse and held an underlying fear that Sam hated to see in his bother, he could see that Dean was also pale, glassy eyed and Sam could feel him shaking.

"Dean you need to..." But Sam was cut off by Dean gripping harder.

"Sammy?" It was like Dean was stuck in some memory that he couldn't shake; Sam could see Bobby watching in the background, seemingly not wanting to interrupt but close by in case something did happen.

"It's okay, Dean, it's me." He knew his voice was shaking but he was just as confused as Dean seemed to be, he looked toward Bobby, searching for his help but he just shrugged.

Obviously he thought this was something Sam needed to fix.

Dean seemed to be weighing up his answer and piercing his soul at the same time, it made him uncomfortable but he stood there all the same, waiting for Dean to realise that it really was him.

It took long agonising minutes but the moment that relief flooded into Dean's eyes, Sam smiled, hoping to further confirm that it was really him. Before he could do anything, Dean had tightly wrapped his arms around Sam, apparently not wanting to let go either.

Confusion and concern started to mingle in with the frustration that was festering, he had no idea what had happened but it was obvious in how Dean and Bobby was acting that it had something to do with him.

"You okay?"Dean's question, while not unexpected, felt like a punch to the gut. How could Dean even be thinking about how Sam was when he was in this state, it frustrated him that Dean felt so responsible for him, it felt like control but he knew Dean didn't know any other way to be and that had been down to their father, so really he couldn't blame him but that didn't stop him from getting annoyed at his brother for it sometimes.

"I'm fine Dean, you should just look after yourself for a while." Sam sighed, he was tired sure but Dean needed to look out for more than just him, he needed to look after himself as well.

But then a few things happened all at once and it left him feeling like the worst person in the world. Like he'd stuck a dagger into his brother's heart and twisted until there was nothing left.

He heard Bobby gasp and saw him heading over to them.

Dean's arms fell away from him as Dean stepped back.

The warmth he'd felt from his brother disappeared in a flash, leaving him almost frozen to the core, as if a ghost had entered the room.

The worst however, was that Dean's currently fever ravaged, but normally soulful green eyes shutdown right in front of him before they looked straight on through him like he wasn't even there.

But then there was the silence as well, it was suffering and suffocating.

Bobby had stopped moving, Dean was still as stone, it was almost as if waiting for the storm, waiting to see if everything went to hell, waiting for a rocket to go off.

It didn't though.

Dean just simply limped away, no anger, no hurt, nothing up for display about his emotional state.

Just the physical that could be seen because he was too tired to hide it, though not a sound was made. Never show weakness.

It was then that Sam realised what had happened.

In his brother's fevered state, what he had said had been misunderstood as;

_I don't need looking after, you need to look after yourself_...or as Dean thought about it; _I don't need you, you're on your own. _

The tears welling in Sam's eyes weren't surprising, what was surprising however was the last thing Dean said before he left the room.

"Dean, I..." He wasn't sure what to say now he'd started, he tried to get Dean to look at him

But Dean was so tired of this, he kept his eyes diverted away.

"Just keep in contact this time, so I know your okay, please." His voice calmed and resigned, so unlike Dean Winchester that it was both enraging and breaking Bobby's heart to hear it.

Sam was in shock, he could barely breath, that Dean would think that he was going to leave him, it was just...

But then, if he thought about it.

He was the one that was always walking away from his brother.

Like what they were doing didn't matter.

Like it wasn't important.

So how was he going to convince his brother of it when he'd never proven it.

**TBC**


End file.
